Put down that device (after reading this of course)

We're social creatures, designed to live in close proximity.  In the past it was for safety and to share the hard slog of growing, harvesting, hunting or scavenging for food.

In our modern world, or at least the tiny part I inhabit, safety isn't such an issue. I'm not talking about burglars and criminals, they still exist and are the reason I lock my door at night. I mean the gang of viking raiders descending on your village to make off with your wife, your children and your livestock.

We don't need that kind of mass protection.  We certainly don't need a team of people to harvest our food. A quick jaunt to the supermarket gets us anything we could want.

 It doesn't take an entire day to do the laundry (unless like me you save it up til everyone''s down to their last pair of undies). And it doesn't take the whole family to keep the house running.

Now life doesn't require a group effort to survive, and we've moved into our little nuclear family units, I think humanity has suffered. The social contact we need for our health and mental well-being is no longer a given. It's not good for us to be isolated. Children need love and bonding, that's a scientific fact. The effects on children neglected and deprived of affection and touch are devastating. I don't think adults are any different, we need the same. Did you know that social isolation can be as detrimental to our health as smoking? (ref:https://www.ageconcern.org.nz/ACNZ_Public/Loneliness_and_Social_Isolation_Research.aspx)

I recently spoke to an elderly man in the course of my daily work who lived alone. He told me he couldn't remember the last time someone touched him, hugged him, or held his hand. I felt bereft on his behalf, and yes, of course I gave him a hug. I can't imagine not being touched, it's never occurred to me. My family hug each other, my children are all over me constantly, and The Bloke is not opposed to a little hand holding either.

Many people aren't as fortunate as me. Through the twists and turns of life it's easy to become isolated, especially as we age. Family and friends die or move away. Some families fall out with each other. Some people find social situations awkward and avoid them. Many of us have simply forgotten the daily courtesies that make life pleasant. I'm frequently in an elevator at the hospital were everyone on board is looking down at their phones, no eye contact, no good morning's exchanged, no smiles or acknowledgment of our fellow passengers existence at all.

The time we spend commuting and on the internet (like I am right this minute) also takes away from the time we could spend with others.

Check out this video I first saw as part of my children's school technology information evening. The discussion of the evening was how to prevent your kids becoming socially isolated through addictive behaviour around their devices. Its not just kids either.


                                
                          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY&t=26s

At home everyone is in the lounge, T'V on, each person looking at their individual device. We're all together, but we couldn't be further apart. It's a tragedy when you think about it. And it happens so easily despite our best intentions.

We need to re-introduce simple social interactions, like smiling and saying 'good morning' to people we pass in the street. Getting to know our neighbours. Practicing the art of conversation with our kids. Teach them, through modelling the behaviour yourself, what consideration looks like.

Put down that device and get involved in your community. There are enormous benefits to being part of a community. Business connections, life long friendships and sometimes even marriages come out of being part of social groups, sports teams, and volunteering.

It isn't always easy to get involved. We're all pressed for time. It's far more convenient and often more comfortable not to get involved. But the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. Consider making getting connected to your fellow humans (over the internet doesn't count) part of your life in 2017.

If formal groups is your thing, you can volunteer for all manner of organisations and roles. Check out https://seekvolunteer.co.nz/ or http://www.volunteeringnz.org.nz/volunteers/

If that isn't your cup of tea, try looking up next time you get into the lift at work, say 'hello' to whomever happens to be around you, and stop to chat to your elderly neighbour when you run into them at the supermarket. Yes you might get knocked back on occasion. Don't let that put you off. It's just a matter of time before your kind words to someone are the only kind words they hear all day, maybe the only words at all.

'Thirty one percent of New Zealanders felt lonely a little, some, most, or all of the time in the last month...' (https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/assets/Uploads/MHF-Quick-facts-and-stats-FINAL.pdf). That's over a quarter of the population.

Consideration and connectedness, could they be the underpinning principles of a more peaceful world? A happier, healthier family life? Shall we give it a go and see?



As always, have a great week.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

My recipe for a year to remember.

Each year I'm convinced that this year will be the year where it all goes my way. So far it's not looking good.

We hadn't made it to lunch before poor Miss A developed a vomiting bug. She is currently in isolation while I antibacterial every doorknob and surface she may have touched. Not a great start to the year for her.

Our plan to go to the New Year's Day Highland games in Waipu are once again scorched. I say I'm going every year, and every year something happens to prevent it. Hmmm, could this be a sign not to travel north? There's been so much carnage on the New Zealand roads that I hesitate to drive anywhere at the moment. Please everyone, if you are out driving around during the holidays, be considerate of other drivers, even if they aren't considering you.

So at home with one sick child asleep, the other glued to her phone, and The Bloke occupied watching The Rolling Stones in Cuba on TV. I decided now was the perfect time to spray the picture frames that have been patiently waiting since about September to be finished.

Great day for it, outside in the sunshine. First coat on. Step away. Perfect. Wait...what are those little black dots appearing on my pristine white paint? Bloody midges! All stuck to my drying satin-finish paint surface. Damn it. Okay, nothing to do but wait for it to dry and sand them off...Sigh.

I guess we all have off days, some even seem to have off months, or even years. My off times seem to be fairly short-lived so far, so I remember to be grateful that life is still good. Yes I have had heartbreak, and recently so, but that doesn't make life any less worthy does it? One could argue that it is the terrible times that make the joyful ones so sweet. Once you've had a taste of the down times, the up are so much more precious aren't they?

So I consider myself lucky. My child will recover, my paintwork can be fixed. I am healthy. I have a lovely home in a beautiful, politically stable country where my rights are protected. There are so many people in the world who are far from being able to have a life like mine.

With that in mind, here is my recipe for a year to remember.

Recognize your advantages, your friendships, your loved ones, even when it could be easy to only see the problems. If you have trouble remembering the good things when the bad ones loom, write down all the things you love about your life, then read through it when the s#@t hits the proverbial fan. Be grateful for the small things. Love as much as you can. Speak kindly to yourself. Be considerate of other's feelings. Be courteous. Practice being charming, but not smarmy, the difference is being genuine. Look up into the stars whenever you are out at night and feel wonder. Be curious. Smile. Get out and see some part of the world you've never seen before, even it its in the same city you live. Make your living space welcoming. Think about the possibilities not the limitations. Be generous of spirit. Look for things to be thankful for. Look hard.

Life will not run smoothly. Many of us will have huge challenges ahead, some of us won't. You never know where you'll be by this time next year. But no matter what, we can still find something to be joyful for, no matter how tiny, there is always something.

Here are some pics from my last day of 2016. Goodbye and welcome 2017. Come on in, I'm really for you.

View from Little Shoal Bay to the city.

Auckland is a beautiful city.

Already put to good use in 2016, the tiki bar is due for a revamp in 2017.
BTW, The Bloke HATES the pink bunting I made him. Rude!

Some of Mum's pot plants that have migrated to my garden. I smile when I see them.

My neighbour's Christmas Lillies, 

Low hanging pohutukawa branches over the river.

Where the river meets the sea.

Orewa Beach

 

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

Why traditions are important

Family Christmas traditions; simple, ordinary, wondrous.

You never know where life will take you. It's all so unpredictable isn't it. That's the point of course, it would be a dull life if we all knew what was around every corner. But sometimes a bit of predictability is good. It''s reassuring and comforting. I think having family traditions are a perfect way to provide that predictability and comfort.

We have a few traditions in our family such as Friday night Movie Night.We choose a movie together, and if we are all still speaking by the end of that process we make pizza and eat together in the lounge, on the sofa Miss A and Miss B have named Carl, while watching said movie. Like all sofas, Carl has a few primo seats and a few less desirable ones. Getting one of the sweet seats is always a potential issue, and anyone who gets up during the movie runs the risk of losing their seat, usually to the dog.

Another tradition is being allowed to choose anything you like for breakfast on your birthday. No lectures, no gasps of shock, no recriminations. This year was McDonald's pancakes, last year was ice cream sundaes. One year Miss A wanted a toffee pop sandwich, but fortunately changed her mind before the big day, that would have been a hard one to swallow for me, if not for her (pun intended).

Then of course there are our Christmas traditions. We only have a few at the moment. We decorate the tree together, we open a present on Christmas eve when we get back from mass, we leave cookies and milk out for Santa, and carrots for the reindeer, and we eat breakfast at my brother's home. We used to take the children to the Smith and Caughey's department store Santa's grotto to see the puppetry and have a photo with Santa, this year they both refused to go. Apparently sitting on Santa's knee is creepy. "He sees you when you're sleeping Mum" says Miss B, "he knows when you're awake, he knows when you're been bad or good, he's a stalker". Oh dear, my stranger danger education seems to have been too effective. I'm still insisting we go see the store's amazing window display. Each year they choose a children's book and recreate the story with puppets.It is well worth the trip, (especially when coupled with Franklin road, read on for that).

Since Mum's death, I've been thinking we could do with a few more traditions to fill the void and to ensure we are all together at Christmas. That's the beautiful thing about traditions, they're things that everyone knows are done in a certain way, at a certain time, no excuses. I think traditions help create a strong family bond, a bond that helps us through life. Traditions are the glue that can hold it all together when it would otherwise be easy to drift away from each other, sometimes without even noticing.

So I've been thinking and searching for some new traditions to add from this year forth. I've never made a Christmas pudding, Mum always did that. So now that we have all her baking things, including her pudding steamer, I thought it would be great to make a family tradition of all the family making the Christmas pudding together. The multiple ingredients to measure and mix seem perfect for kids to join in with. Then into Grandma's pudding steamer and onto the stove. A great way to honour Mum and keep her in the kids memories as well.

The Franklin Road lights is another tradition I know many families do. Franklin Road is an inner city street where the occupants go all out decorating their homes with Christmas lights. I've been once with the kids, when they were small, but I think its time to make an annual visit mandatory. How can anyone come away from so much Christmas glory without feeling happy and Christmas-y?

Don't be fooled into thinking that traditions make everything peaceful and fun. Sometimes they don't, they can be hard, there may be fighting, but stick to your guns and make sure they know resistance is futile. At the very least your kids may learn some conflict resolution skills!

However there are a few traditions I've come across that we won't be taking up. There is a German tradition of putting out a shoe on Dec 5th, if you are a good child it is filled with lollies and candy, if you are not, it is filled with sticks for your parents to beat you with. Hmm, tempting but no, that one won't be making the cut.

Do you have any family traditions at Christmas, or any other time of the year? I would love to hear about them. Please leave a comment below.

Have a very Merry Christmas (and if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a wonderful holiday break).

As always, have a great week.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

Grief and a little Christmas cheer

I've spent a lot of time thinking about life and death over the last two weeks. I think one of the positive aspects of grief is that it throws you out of your normal routine, cracks the barrier on your reservedness, and pours all your feelings out for the world to see. Massively confronting and uncomfortable, but cathartic.

I guess, like many people, I've gotten used to running through the daily routine, getting children up (no small challenge on any day), getting ready for work, doing the work, then home again for the evening routine of cooking, homework, bedtime. It's time consuming and doesn't leave a lot of time for introspection. When you are suddenly knocked off your axis, you begin to think differently. I'm not talking about packing up the kids and moving to a yoga sanctuary in India (although I wouldn't say no to that either). But more about making sure that you're enjoying life. The small moments that shouldn't be wasted, because some people don't get a lot of moments, and you never know if you'll be one of them. My mum lived a long life, and I hope I'll do the same. But if I don't, I want to know that I really lived the moments I was given.

Mum would have said, you can feel sorrow, but you should look good while you're doing it. So with that in mind, I wiped off the tears, put down the scorched almonds, got up off the sofa, and threw on some lipstick . It's Christmas. I love Christmas. So let's get that tree up, and some twinkle lights going. Gathering the family we all set about making the house feel like Christmas (except Miss A who chose to wander around in some kind of supervisory capacity that resembled doing nothing). Soon the house was decorated, the trees were up, and the garden full of lights. Mum would have been pleased.

I did feel better afterwards, I think we all did. It's hard to be really miserable surrounded by colourful fairy lights and glittering ornaments. This is not to say I'm done with grieving. I suspect it will take many months before I stop reaching for the phone to tell mum something. But I do think that it isn't good for us to get into the habit of sorrow. Habits are hard to break, and sorrow has a way of creating more things to feel sorrowful about.

Here are a few pics of our efforts to feel sad without being sorrowful, and missing mum while still living, and enjoying small moments like eating dinner under fairy-lit stars and candy canes.

The upstairs tree decorated with white organza and gold decorations.

If you missed the post about turning an old ladder into a feature, 
you can read about it here.

Miss A made this wreath, a few years ago,  from a piece of wire picked up off the road
and some strips of fabric.

Pine cones and glitter, quintessential Christmas elements.

A Christmas tree for the wall, from Command hooks and wire lights.

The nativity set from my childhood.

Santa and a jar of lights.

Pretty silver baubles

My mother's green glass bowl, I remember this bowl in our home
throughout my childhood. It goes well with the Christmas train.

The upstairs tree, white and gold this year.

The ladder lit with lights and hung with stars.
And the downstairs tree.

The glass dome found in a charity shop a few weeks ago.

If you missed the post on building this beautiful built-in bookshelf,
you can read about it here.

Rudolf Christmas countdown calendar.

A pretty decoration on Miss A's door. It didn't survive the
last door slam, but it was lovely while it lasted.

The ladder strung with wire and bulb lights, then hung with blue glitter
stars and snowflakes. I later added candy canes and icicles found
in the charity shop. 

A beautiful silver decoration I was given last year
by my lovely cousin.

Christmas lights are so therapeutic!

Silver reindeer on the bookshelf.

A tree topper star light.

These beautiful Christmas stockings I bought
last year from a craft market. They are
just gorgeous.

The upstairs tree one more time.

Mum's silver hat goes well with the silver-themed bookshelf.

I love this nutcracker solider.

Annie Dillard said in her book, The Writer's Life, 'how we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives'. Remember to pay attention and enjoy the small moments that make up our lives. You won't regret it.

Have a great week

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

Important things I learned from my mother.

When I think of my mother, I wonder how such strength of spirit could be contained in such a small person. She migrated across the world to New Zealand from Ireland, outlived three husbands, and raised three teenagers alone. Her childhood was so far removed from my own it seems almost fictional. But it wasn't. She drew water from the village well, and cut turf for the fire. She lived in a world without phones, washing machines, or indoor plumbing. Her schooling was so strict it would be considered child-abuse today. People in her village died from malnutrition, and diseases that none of us will ever suffer with our vaccinations, and modern medicines.

Yet despite the poverty and the hardship that came from living in a world without modern conveniences that many now would consider essential, Mum had a happy life. She was well loved by her parents, and that taught her, in turn, how to love. She was good at loving people. Not an easy thing to achieve when you stop to think about it.


She told me once, not to be too sad when she died, she'd had a good life and couldn't live forever. That's a healthy philosophy if there ever was one.

Mum taught me so much throughout her life. She taught me the practical things, like how to iron a shirt. How to bake a cake, or a batch of scones. That it is important to be well dressed at all times. That a home should be tidy and organised (still working on those last two).

She also taught me the intangible things that make life good. She showed me that gratefulness is a gift. That working hard is never a waste of time. That unconditional love really does exist, and that one can keep going even after great loss and still find pleasure in life

She taught me how to consider others, how to be generous in spirit. That being right wasn't always necessary and to think about how my words would affect those to whom I would direct them.

I am grateful that she was my mother. I am grateful that my children knew their grandmother, and knew that they were adored, as all her grandchildren were.

I'll miss her voice, that lilting accent so recognizable. I'll miss her laugh and her sense of humour.

Then I'll remember the last time she smiled at me, so clear in my mind and I'll be grateful again for the gift that she was and for her life, well-lived, and well-loved to the last.

Grace

The greatest little city in the world.

I flew down to Wellington last weekend to do the final assessments for my very last post grad diploma paper. Yes, in a few weeks I'll have some letters to add after my name which I'll probably never use, yet took me three years to earn. 

I've been to the capital several times over the last three years for this qualification and I find something new and wonderful each time. I can never get enough of the buildings, the harbour, the museums, the food, the festivals, the vintage scene. There is so much that's worth a trip to Wellington.

Getting of the plane and into the city is so easy on the public bus. You can be dropped right in the heart of Wellington within 20 minutes for $9.00. I was starving, having decided to skip Jetstar's pre-ordered offering. I found a gem of a cafe called Loretta's, on Cuba street. The food was excellent, and the lay out and display very tempting. The wait staff weren't that friendly, but I'd return for the ginger poached pears alone.

Bircher Museli and Ginger Poached Pear...Yum yum yum.

                                     

A table laid out with glass-dome covered pastries

I can never visit without checking on the parliament buildings. New Zealand's centre of government. Last time I visited it was hot and sunny, and there was a noisy protest outside the buildings. This time it was fairly quiet. The wet, misty weather keeping everyone civil. I'm always surprised when I come upon the Beehive, that it isn't bigger. No bigger than any of the surrounding buildings, It appears out of no-where, its architecture unmistakable.  You can take free tours through the buildings. They leave hourly. It's well worth a visit.

The Beehive

I caught the train out to Waikanae to visit family. It's an hour along the coast. The view is stunning. Rough waves crashing onto the west coast shoreline, interspersed with rolling green hills studded with sheep.

View from the train to Waikanae

Waikanae has one of those wild west coast beaches, all dark sand, rolling waves, and few people. Beautiful.

It also has the Southern Hemisphere's largest private classic car collection at Southward Car Museum. I didn't get to visit this trip, but it's on the list for next time.

I had a great evening with my family and caught the train back stuffed full of good food and laughter.

It was late by the time we finished at the university on Saturday night. I decided to wander through the streets and see what was happening. Not much as it turns out, the weather was terrible and it wasn't late enough to be cool.

Then I turned a corner and there it was, quiet and unassuming. My heart began to beat, breath quickening. Was it closed? Oh God please don't let it be closed. It's 8pm on Saturday night, of course it'll be closed. I press my nose up to the window, on the other side a man is staring back at me, we're almost eye to eye, and there are other people inside. It's open!

 Pegasus Books the website is underwhelming, but the shop is a treasure trove of literary delights. Not the prices of my usual charity shop finds, but what a selection, with cosy reading spots tucked into random corners surrounded by shelves of books stacked floor to ceiling.

It was at this point I deeply regretted purchasing a flight with carry-on only. I was already been over the 7kg limit on the way out. But I couldn't leave with nothing, so many beautiful volumes! I couldn't resist a copy of Edgar Allen Poe's Tales of Mystery and Imagination, 1972. Not $2.00, but not too bad either. Thank you Jet Star for not weighing my carry on.

I wandered the city a little more, then caught an Uber ride back to my Airbnb accommodation, feeling very cosmopolitan. 

Courtney place, Wellington

On Sunday, I flew home to Auckland. Just over 12 hours later, an earthquake shook Wellington and Kaikoura, everything in between, and then some. People said they felt it all the way up in Auckland.
I didn't. And I'm glad. It must have been terrifying.

A good friend lives in Christchurch and once told me about her experience of the earthquake there in 2011. She describes waking up to the room shaking. Trying to crawl off the bed, while it was shunted to and fro across the room, to get to her children whom she could hear screaming down the corridor Her description of not being able to get off that bed is heart-breaking.

I don't know of anything worse than being a parent unable to get to your child when they desperately need you. I try not to think about it too much.

All my love goes out to the people in Kaikoura and Wellington and the surrounding towns affected by the latest quake. My deepest sympathy to the two families who lost their loved ones. And I'm very grateful to have missed that earthquake by 12 hours.

For those wondering, Pegasus is still standing. "Shaken not stirred" their facebook page says. My family are all safe and sound, if somewhat isolated by slips blocking transport to and from the city. I don't know how Loretta's is, I imagine those glass-domed pastries were doomed. The Beehive has massively expensive special shock absorbing foundations for just such as day as the earthquake. If you're that way inclined you can read about them here.

There are on-going problems after a natural disaster. Road closures, transport issues, water pollution, isolation, loss of jobs, income, and that's just the physical issues. If you want to help relieve some of the suffering, you can donate to the Red Cross Appeal. Make sure you click on the Wellington option and then you an choose where you want your money to go.

It may take some time, but I'll return to Wellington, not just for Pegasus Books, but for solidarity. Okay well, it's mostly for Pegasus Books, but solidarity sounds braver.

This weekend The Bloke and I are putting together our emergency survival kit and plan. We take running water, electricity, refrigeration, internet, and phone lines for granted. I've never spent much time thinking about doing without them, but there is nothing like a homegrown disaster to bring the possibility into clear focus and motivate one to action. If you don't have an emergency survival kit, no matter where in the world you are, get one. You'll sleep better at night. I know I will.

Here are a few resources that might be helpful.

New Zealand Civil Defense Get Thru programme

What to have in your emergency kit.

How to maintain your emergency kit.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!