Ten things I wish I'd known before I had kids.

When I had my first baby, someone wrote on a congratulations card the words “remember tomorrow is another day”. I thought at the time it was a weird thing to say, of course tomorrow is another day,..duh. Little did I know that I would return to those words many times over in my life as a parent in a vain attempt to prevent myself from going completely mad.
Nothing stays the same. That is the blessing and the curse of parenthood (and life).

Each time I've had cause to write a congratulations card to a new parent, I’ve thought about what one thing would I have liked to get a heads up on before having my children?

Over the last few weeks, I've taken an informal poll from the parents I know, work with, and socialize with. Many people had way more than one thing they wish they'd known. Here's compilation of the responses.

Before having kids I wish I'd known that:

I would worry so much...

You will worry like you have never worried before. Maybe this is just me? I do have a tendency to catastrophize, but I have never worried about so much, so consistently, before in my life. It starts well before the birth, worrying if you'll be a good parent, moves on to worrying if your baby will be healthy, and pretty much continues until you die. Talking to my friends, its not just worry about your child. Some people develop a sudden appreciation of their own health and well being. There's nothing like knowing there is a little person totally dependent on you to sharpen up your sense of self-preservation. The level of worry might change, but it never, ever, stops.

I'd feel so guilty...

Nothing sucks the joy out of parenting like guilt. Yet there is so much to feel guilty about. If you work outside the home, if you don't work outside the home, if you sent your precious child to daycare, if you don't send your precious child to daycare. If you take time for yourself. If you leave them with a sitter. If you forget they were invited to a birthday party (who me...never).
Like worry, guilt seems to flourish in parenthood. What's the answer? Well there isn't one. The best solution is to follow your instinct and don't compare yourself or your children to others. You tend to only see what they want to show you anyway. A bit like Facebook, only the best bits make it. Be kind to yourself and forge ahead.

This too shall pass...

Remember tomorrow is another day' means even if your baby has screamed all day, and you feel like you haven’t a hair left on your head, this too shall pass. One day you will look back and barely remember the screaming, neither theirs or yours. You will also forget many of the gloriously funny things your kids do and say. Record them in someway. I had a little notebook I kept in my handbag for just such moments. Reading it back when we're had a hard day and don't like each other much is great for breaking the tension and refocusing everyone to the positive.

     I'd farewell my personal space...

      You will have to give up your personal space for at least 8 years, and some of us are into our 13^th year without any sign of a reprieve, apparently privacy only works in one direction.You will have an audience watching you pee and shower and on one hideously memorable occasion having ‘intimate relations’…that was hard to explain. Losing my personal space was difficult for me to adjust too. I couldn't just go anywhere, and do anything I wanted. I had another person to consider.

    Babies don't read the textbooks...

Before birth I read many books on child rearing. That was a complete waste of time. The only thing baby books ever did was to make me worry more and feel guilty that I wasn't getting it 'right'. However if they work for you, go for it.

     The effect of sleep deprivation...

I read that babies are supposed to sleep about 18 to 20 hours a day. Well not mine. Miss A used up all her sleep quota in the first 6 weeks then woke up and stayed awake for three years (and therefore so did I). Miss B was a little better, or it may have been exhaustion caused by extreme sleep deprivation that lead me to sleep through her cries. I know someone whose baby slept through the night from eight weeks. I'm pretty sure I ordered one of those babies, but that's not what I got. Every child is different. I look back and I wonder how on earth I survived those first few years. but I did. If I'd been more prepared, I may have been a little kinder to myself. I would have packed less into a day and had more naps instead of vacuuming or doing the laundry. On the positive side, I am truly able to appreciate the joy of a full nights sleep.

        I didn't need to sweat the small stuff...

      This is similar to the first point about worry, but a bit more specific. I think back to all the things I worried about when my girls were very small. Would my child ever swallow lumpy food?  Would they ever pee in the toilet? Would they have any friends at school? Would they ever sleep through the night? I can assure you that, unless your baby has some medical condition, time answers all these problems. Both my children swallow lumpy food, pee in the toilet (mostly), sleep through the night (getting them out of bed is now the problem) and have friends. I needn't have worried about this stuff when ahead of me lies drugs, sex, and rock 'n' roll (sobbing and rocking quietly here).

     I would regret that pompous attitude...  

     You know the one. "Oh no my child will never - add in superior attitude as required-". Oh no my child will never watch T.V, back chat, speak only one language, throw tantrums in public, bite anyone. Then there's comments about other's parenting. "Well if they were firm with that child they wouldn't behave like that. Oh really? Well I apologize to everyone I ever thought this about, and to anyone whose parenting skills I thoughtlessly critiqued without first hand, exhausted, worry-filled, guilted-out, experience.

    

     I'd always know what my kids need...

      I had this idea in my head that I would be able to understand my kids. That I'd intuitively know what they needed. This isn't true. It's not just when they're babies and can't talk either. Sometimes I understand them, but frequently I have no idea why that are acting the way they are. What's the motivation? When I think of my girls, I hear John Legend lyrics running through my head - "what's going on in that beautiful mind, I'm on your magical mystery ride". My kids are frequently a total mystery to me. 

     I should start saving now...

      Start saving for their education from birth, or before. A little over a long time is far more affordable than a lot in a short time. Take advantage of compound interest. If they don't need it for their education, they'll certainly need it for a house deposit if they live in Auckland.

     All kids need is love, rules, and consequences.

It starts with that overpriced buggy and if you aren't careful continues until you are on the verge of bankruptcy. Read my lips NONE of it is necessary. What babies need is love, cuddles, and you. What bigger kids need are love, rules and consequences. It is so tempting to give your kids every material thing you think they want. Resist. Give your time and energy instead. 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Some days I wish with all my heart that I could go back and start again, I'm sure I'd do a better job. But you can't reset life. Other days, I think I'm doing a great job. Some moments are filled with laughter, others with tears. Some days the kids love me and I love them. Other days they tell me they hate me, and I'm not feeling so fond of them either.

In the end I know without a doubt that I love my kids and I am doing the best I can. I have never, ever regretted bringing them into this world. I'm pretty sure they love me and wouldn't want to be without me either, although they have a strange way of showing it sometimes.

What's the one thing you wish you had known before you had kids? Let me know in the comments below.

Have a great week.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

7 tips on parenting from my personal experience.

Remember when all you could think about was having a baby? For me the desire seemed to come out of no-where and just wouldn't go away. It was all I could think about, all I could dream of. I had this wonderful image of The Bloke and I staring lovingly into the face of our perfect offspring as she slept peacefully in our arms ...

And that did happen, for about 5 minutes. Then I realized that the words 'perfect' and 'parent' had nothing in common. That's not to say that my babies weren't adorable, they were. My children are the cutest, cuddliest, funniest, most fantastic children in the world, who have challenged my patience, temper and sanity.

They don't do what they're told, in fact often quite the opposite. They don't follow the 'children should be seen and not heard' idiom at all. I have discovered there is a fine line between protection and spoiling. It's hard to see the line and its super easy to cross it and doubly hard to get back again.

Currently Miss A is a few weeks away from being a teenager, and Miss B is hard on her heels.

I have learned a few things from the last 6 months of trying to maintain communication with an almost 13-year old. Please note that I am not a psychologist, or an educational specialist, or any other kind of expert in anything. But I am a parent, and I've been a child, so I have some experience. This is what I've learnt from that experience.

1. When you wake her gently with a kiss and whisper 'time to get up baby' and she responds with 'Go away mum I hate you', take a really really really deep breath and DON'T take it personally. It's hard to believe, but she really doesn't mean it. Somewhere deep inside that moody soul, she loves you. She's up and down like an emotional yo-yo, imagine how hard that is for her to deal with.

2. Be firm about the technology. I am not anti-tech. I think it is vital for our kids and us to stay on top of technology. In my day it was hogging the telephone and talking to your friends, now it's group chats on Instagram, but it's still communication with their peers and it's important. However, I am sure Miss A's poor behaviour is directly proportional to the amount of time she spends on the iPad. I don't know if there is any research out there to support this view, but for me I can see the difference. The more time on her iPad, the less pleasant she is to everyone around her. Her school did some research on technology use after becoming a BYOD (bring your own device) school and their research found that children who didn't have firm limits on their technology use were more socially isolated, and had lower self esteem than children who did have firm limits. So set them and stick to them. It's amazing how Miss A always has a sudden homework project that just has to be done tonight, as soon as I tell her tech time is up. Too bad.

3. Loads of people say it and it is true, having dinner together around the table allows time for everyone to talk without distractions. If, like my family, there is one child who makes dinner time stressful because they are a super picky eater, make a rule that the dinner is put in front of them and they can choose to eat it or not. Of course there is no dessert if dinner is not eaten. No further discussion, and no negotiation. "What if I eat these three peas and that bit of carrot, can I have three spoons of dessert then?" Kids are exquisite negotiators, don't fall for it. Everyone has to stay at the table until the last person is done. They may all start out grumpy, but mine usually can't contain themselves and have to start talking, and away we go.

4. No matter how many times your children say they hate you. No matter how angry you feel thinking of all the sleepless nights, driving around to events and birthday parties, you have done for them. The thing is parenting is not about keeping score. Your child knows they are loved. If they didn't they couldn't risk being so mean to you. While you shouldn't accept poor behaviour, be happy in the knowledge that your child is so convinced of your love, they can behave this way. Take solace...then ground them.

5. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. In lay terms, everything has consequences. Make sure your child understands the consequences, then let them make some of their own decisions. Experience is the best learning tool. Obviously don't let your children take crazy or unsafe risks. Use your common sense.

6. Accept that you won't always get it right, in fact I often get it horribly wrong. Learn how to apologise. Getting it wrong doesn't make you a rubbish parent. Getting it wrong and not caring does that. Getting it wrong and then torturing yourself about all the psychological damage your child will now suffer sucks the joy out of life. Don't do it. In this I speak from experience. Apologising to your child when you've gotten it wrong is okay. It lets them know that no-one is perfect and no-one should expect to be perfect. It also lets them know we should clean up our mistakes and messes.

7. Find a way to laugh together. It gives everyone something to hold onto during the really rough times.

8. If all else fails, wait until your children are asleep, then sneak in and take selfies with them to hold as ransom...consequences remember.

Below are two resources I have used that offer really helpful and sensible advise. I am not affiliated with either in any way.

Nigel Latta's site  http://www.goldfishwisdom.org/parents.
The Parenting Place http://www.theparentingplace.com/

Let me know in the comments section if you have any parenting tips that have worked for your family.

Grace