Can grief be good?

The thing about grief is that it can actually good for us. Weird right? How can feeling miserable ever be good?

My theory is that if we want to maintain a robust mental health we have to be able to feel. Not just the good stuff but the bad as well. Things like anger and sorrow have a place in our lives. If they didn't why would they exist at all?

The 'negative' emotions have to be felt, otherwise you don't get to the point where you can let them go. We all have examples of people in our lives who haven't been able to let go. They hold on to anger or sorrow, pulling it close like a precious child. How well does that turn out for them?

The problem is that many of us, myself included, hate letting our grief show in front of others. We have that whole 'stiff upper lip' attitude, that whole 'remain calm and carry on' thing gong on. Sometimes we can't remain calm. Sometimes we aren't supposed to remain calm.

There are many expections I'm sure, but this is my theory remember!

I don't think this reluctance is about looking weak, but more about not wanting to upset the people we love. We don't want them to see our pain thereby causing them pain, because we know how this pain sucks.

Yet when you're walking around with this unrelieved terrible sorrow sitting just below your skin, any slight tear will let it spill forth with potentially unwanted consequences.

You might be going along just fine, then a throw away comment, or a familiar scent, tears the sorrow right out of your cells and chucks it onto the floor right in front if everyone and a melt down ensues. Mortifying.

 To avoid the risk you have to stuff it down deep, really deep. Then the problems begin.

How do we avoid this situation? Well that's the trick isn't it.

To avoid the melt down, we have to feel the emotion and sometimes we just aren't ready. Sometimes life is so busy that we feel like we can't afford the time to feel sorrow, we have to keep pushing forwards or the whole thing'll go tits up!

My thought is that we have to give ourselves time. Not some metaphorical time somewhere in the future, but time today, this week. Undisturbed time with our memories, our thoughts, our feelings. And you need to give yourself permission, or at least some kind of acknowledgement that this is normal. Grief is normal. Evereyone's dealing with it, just not necessarily in a healthy way (and it's not only about death, grief comes to us through all kinds of loss).

I don't mean force yourself to feel. This isn't a race to get through to the feeling good again part. This is a process that can't be shortcut. I mean when the feelings come, and they will, acknowledge them, allow them but never force them.

Then we need some way of getting the sorrow out in a safe non-harmful way. Binge drinking and drug-taking is not the way people.

Everyone will have a different comfort zone around this part. Some people can just talk it out. I find that difficult. I'm better at typing it out.

Try journaling, painting, moving your body, or the ultimate, a bloody good cry. Get the tissues, a nice pillow to thump. Whatever works for you, as long as you don't put yourself in harm's way.

If all this fails. If you've given yourself time and permission but you're still stuck, unable to let go and feel the joy in life, then consider seeing a professional.

I don't know why our society has such a negative view of taking care of our mental health. We are not just a physical body. We are mind and spirit too. You don't call your neighbour a wuse for seeing the cardiologist for chest pain. So why look askew at someone who sees a psychologist for emotional pain? Each has the potential to impact our lives negatively. As Spock would say it isn't logical (and boy did he have issues!).

So give your self time, be kind to yourself, acknowledge that grief and sorrow are normal, and seek help if you can't manage.

This is just my opinion after dealing with my own experience of grief. Feel free to share your own experiences in the comments below.


As always, have a great week.

Grace