Why traditions are important

Family Christmas traditions; simple, ordinary, wondrous.

You never know where life will take you. It's all so unpredictable isn't it. That's the point of course, it would be a dull life if we all knew what was around every corner. But sometimes a bit of predictability is good. It''s reassuring and comforting. I think having family traditions are a perfect way to provide that predictability and comfort.

We have a few traditions in our family such as Friday night Movie Night.We choose a movie together, and if we are all still speaking by the end of that process we make pizza and eat together in the lounge, on the sofa Miss A and Miss B have named Carl, while watching said movie. Like all sofas, Carl has a few primo seats and a few less desirable ones. Getting one of the sweet seats is always a potential issue, and anyone who gets up during the movie runs the risk of losing their seat, usually to the dog.

Another tradition is being allowed to choose anything you like for breakfast on your birthday. No lectures, no gasps of shock, no recriminations. This year was McDonald's pancakes, last year was ice cream sundaes. One year Miss A wanted a toffee pop sandwich, but fortunately changed her mind before the big day, that would have been a hard one to swallow for me, if not for her (pun intended).

Then of course there are our Christmas traditions. We only have a few at the moment. We decorate the tree together, we open a present on Christmas eve when we get back from mass, we leave cookies and milk out for Santa, and carrots for the reindeer, and we eat breakfast at my brother's home. We used to take the children to the Smith and Caughey's department store Santa's grotto to see the puppetry and have a photo with Santa, this year they both refused to go. Apparently sitting on Santa's knee is creepy. "He sees you when you're sleeping Mum" says Miss B, "he knows when you're awake, he knows when you're been bad or good, he's a stalker". Oh dear, my stranger danger education seems to have been too effective. I'm still insisting we go see the store's amazing window display. Each year they choose a children's book and recreate the story with puppets.It is well worth the trip, (especially when coupled with Franklin road, read on for that).

Since Mum's death, I've been thinking we could do with a few more traditions to fill the void and to ensure we are all together at Christmas. That's the beautiful thing about traditions, they're things that everyone knows are done in a certain way, at a certain time, no excuses. I think traditions help create a strong family bond, a bond that helps us through life. Traditions are the glue that can hold it all together when it would otherwise be easy to drift away from each other, sometimes without even noticing.

So I've been thinking and searching for some new traditions to add from this year forth. I've never made a Christmas pudding, Mum always did that. So now that we have all her baking things, including her pudding steamer, I thought it would be great to make a family tradition of all the family making the Christmas pudding together. The multiple ingredients to measure and mix seem perfect for kids to join in with. Then into Grandma's pudding steamer and onto the stove. A great way to honour Mum and keep her in the kids memories as well.

The Franklin Road lights is another tradition I know many families do. Franklin Road is an inner city street where the occupants go all out decorating their homes with Christmas lights. I've been once with the kids, when they were small, but I think its time to make an annual visit mandatory. How can anyone come away from so much Christmas glory without feeling happy and Christmas-y?

Don't be fooled into thinking that traditions make everything peaceful and fun. Sometimes they don't, they can be hard, there may be fighting, but stick to your guns and make sure they know resistance is futile. At the very least your kids may learn some conflict resolution skills!

However there are a few traditions I've come across that we won't be taking up. There is a German tradition of putting out a shoe on Dec 5th, if you are a good child it is filled with lollies and candy, if you are not, it is filled with sticks for your parents to beat you with. Hmm, tempting but no, that one won't be making the cut.

Do you have any family traditions at Christmas, or any other time of the year? I would love to hear about them. Please leave a comment below.

Have a very Merry Christmas (and if you don't celebrate Christmas, have a wonderful holiday break).

As always, have a great week.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

Grief and a little Christmas cheer

I've spent a lot of time thinking about life and death over the last two weeks. I think one of the positive aspects of grief is that it throws you out of your normal routine, cracks the barrier on your reservedness, and pours all your feelings out for the world to see. Massively confronting and uncomfortable, but cathartic.

I guess, like many people, I've gotten used to running through the daily routine, getting children up (no small challenge on any day), getting ready for work, doing the work, then home again for the evening routine of cooking, homework, bedtime. It's time consuming and doesn't leave a lot of time for introspection. When you are suddenly knocked off your axis, you begin to think differently. I'm not talking about packing up the kids and moving to a yoga sanctuary in India (although I wouldn't say no to that either). But more about making sure that you're enjoying life. The small moments that shouldn't be wasted, because some people don't get a lot of moments, and you never know if you'll be one of them. My mum lived a long life, and I hope I'll do the same. But if I don't, I want to know that I really lived the moments I was given.

Mum would have said, you can feel sorrow, but you should look good while you're doing it. So with that in mind, I wiped off the tears, put down the scorched almonds, got up off the sofa, and threw on some lipstick . It's Christmas. I love Christmas. So let's get that tree up, and some twinkle lights going. Gathering the family we all set about making the house feel like Christmas (except Miss A who chose to wander around in some kind of supervisory capacity that resembled doing nothing). Soon the house was decorated, the trees were up, and the garden full of lights. Mum would have been pleased.

I did feel better afterwards, I think we all did. It's hard to be really miserable surrounded by colourful fairy lights and glittering ornaments. This is not to say I'm done with grieving. I suspect it will take many months before I stop reaching for the phone to tell mum something. But I do think that it isn't good for us to get into the habit of sorrow. Habits are hard to break, and sorrow has a way of creating more things to feel sorrowful about.

Here are a few pics of our efforts to feel sad without being sorrowful, and missing mum while still living, and enjoying small moments like eating dinner under fairy-lit stars and candy canes.

The upstairs tree decorated with white organza and gold decorations.

If you missed the post about turning an old ladder into a feature, 
you can read about it here.

Miss A made this wreath, a few years ago,  from a piece of wire picked up off the road
and some strips of fabric.

Pine cones and glitter, quintessential Christmas elements.

A Christmas tree for the wall, from Command hooks and wire lights.

The nativity set from my childhood.

Santa and a jar of lights.

Pretty silver baubles

My mother's green glass bowl, I remember this bowl in our home
throughout my childhood. It goes well with the Christmas train.

The upstairs tree, white and gold this year.

The ladder lit with lights and hung with stars.
And the downstairs tree.

The glass dome found in a charity shop a few weeks ago.

If you missed the post on building this beautiful built-in bookshelf,
you can read about it here.

Rudolf Christmas countdown calendar.

A pretty decoration on Miss A's door. It didn't survive the
last door slam, but it was lovely while it lasted.

The ladder strung with wire and bulb lights, then hung with blue glitter
stars and snowflakes. I later added candy canes and icicles found
in the charity shop. 

A beautiful silver decoration I was given last year
by my lovely cousin.

Christmas lights are so therapeutic!

Silver reindeer on the bookshelf.

A tree topper star light.

These beautiful Christmas stockings I bought
last year from a craft market. They are
just gorgeous.

The upstairs tree one more time.

Mum's silver hat goes well with the silver-themed bookshelf.

I love this nutcracker solider.

Annie Dillard said in her book, The Writer's Life, 'how we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives'. Remember to pay attention and enjoy the small moments that make up our lives. You won't regret it.

Have a great week

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

Important things I learned from my mother.

When I think of my mother, I wonder how such strength of spirit could be contained in such a small person. She migrated across the world to New Zealand from Ireland, outlived three husbands, and raised three teenagers alone. Her childhood was so far removed from my own it seems almost fictional. But it wasn't. She drew water from the village well, and cut turf for the fire. She lived in a world without phones, washing machines, or indoor plumbing. Her schooling was so strict it would be considered child-abuse today. People in her village died from malnutrition, and diseases that none of us will ever suffer with our vaccinations, and modern medicines.

Yet despite the poverty and the hardship that came from living in a world without modern conveniences that many now would consider essential, Mum had a happy life. She was well loved by her parents, and that taught her, in turn, how to love. She was good at loving people. Not an easy thing to achieve when you stop to think about it.


She told me once, not to be too sad when she died, she'd had a good life and couldn't live forever. That's a healthy philosophy if there ever was one.

Mum taught me so much throughout her life. She taught me the practical things, like how to iron a shirt. How to bake a cake, or a batch of scones. That it is important to be well dressed at all times. That a home should be tidy and organised (still working on those last two).

She also taught me the intangible things that make life good. She showed me that gratefulness is a gift. That working hard is never a waste of time. That unconditional love really does exist, and that one can keep going even after great loss and still find pleasure in life

She taught me how to consider others, how to be generous in spirit. That being right wasn't always necessary and to think about how my words would affect those to whom I would direct them.

I am grateful that she was my mother. I am grateful that my children knew their grandmother, and knew that they were adored, as all her grandchildren were.

I'll miss her voice, that lilting accent so recognizable. I'll miss her laugh and her sense of humour.

Then I'll remember the last time she smiled at me, so clear in my mind and I'll be grateful again for the gift that she was and for her life, well-lived, and well-loved to the last.

Grace

The greatest little city in the world.

I flew down to Wellington last weekend to do the final assessments for my very last post grad diploma paper. Yes, in a few weeks I'll have some letters to add after my name which I'll probably never use, yet took me three years to earn. 

I've been to the capital several times over the last three years for this qualification and I find something new and wonderful each time. I can never get enough of the buildings, the harbour, the museums, the food, the festivals, the vintage scene. There is so much that's worth a trip to Wellington.

Getting of the plane and into the city is so easy on the public bus. You can be dropped right in the heart of Wellington within 20 minutes for $9.00. I was starving, having decided to skip Jetstar's pre-ordered offering. I found a gem of a cafe called Loretta's, on Cuba street. The food was excellent, and the lay out and display very tempting. The wait staff weren't that friendly, but I'd return for the ginger poached pears alone.

Bircher Museli and Ginger Poached Pear...Yum yum yum.

                                     

A table laid out with glass-dome covered pastries

I can never visit without checking on the parliament buildings. New Zealand's centre of government. Last time I visited it was hot and sunny, and there was a noisy protest outside the buildings. This time it was fairly quiet. The wet, misty weather keeping everyone civil. I'm always surprised when I come upon the Beehive, that it isn't bigger. No bigger than any of the surrounding buildings, It appears out of no-where, its architecture unmistakable.  You can take free tours through the buildings. They leave hourly. It's well worth a visit.

The Beehive

I caught the train out to Waikanae to visit family. It's an hour along the coast. The view is stunning. Rough waves crashing onto the west coast shoreline, interspersed with rolling green hills studded with sheep.

View from the train to Waikanae

Waikanae has one of those wild west coast beaches, all dark sand, rolling waves, and few people. Beautiful.

It also has the Southern Hemisphere's largest private classic car collection at Southward Car Museum. I didn't get to visit this trip, but it's on the list for next time.

I had a great evening with my family and caught the train back stuffed full of good food and laughter.

It was late by the time we finished at the university on Saturday night. I decided to wander through the streets and see what was happening. Not much as it turns out, the weather was terrible and it wasn't late enough to be cool.

Then I turned a corner and there it was, quiet and unassuming. My heart began to beat, breath quickening. Was it closed? Oh God please don't let it be closed. It's 8pm on Saturday night, of course it'll be closed. I press my nose up to the window, on the other side a man is staring back at me, we're almost eye to eye, and there are other people inside. It's open!

 Pegasus Books the website is underwhelming, but the shop is a treasure trove of literary delights. Not the prices of my usual charity shop finds, but what a selection, with cosy reading spots tucked into random corners surrounded by shelves of books stacked floor to ceiling.

It was at this point I deeply regretted purchasing a flight with carry-on only. I was already been over the 7kg limit on the way out. But I couldn't leave with nothing, so many beautiful volumes! I couldn't resist a copy of Edgar Allen Poe's Tales of Mystery and Imagination, 1972. Not $2.00, but not too bad either. Thank you Jet Star for not weighing my carry on.

I wandered the city a little more, then caught an Uber ride back to my Airbnb accommodation, feeling very cosmopolitan. 

Courtney place, Wellington

On Sunday, I flew home to Auckland. Just over 12 hours later, an earthquake shook Wellington and Kaikoura, everything in between, and then some. People said they felt it all the way up in Auckland.
I didn't. And I'm glad. It must have been terrifying.

A good friend lives in Christchurch and once told me about her experience of the earthquake there in 2011. She describes waking up to the room shaking. Trying to crawl off the bed, while it was shunted to and fro across the room, to get to her children whom she could hear screaming down the corridor Her description of not being able to get off that bed is heart-breaking.

I don't know of anything worse than being a parent unable to get to your child when they desperately need you. I try not to think about it too much.

All my love goes out to the people in Kaikoura and Wellington and the surrounding towns affected by the latest quake. My deepest sympathy to the two families who lost their loved ones. And I'm very grateful to have missed that earthquake by 12 hours.

For those wondering, Pegasus is still standing. "Shaken not stirred" their facebook page says. My family are all safe and sound, if somewhat isolated by slips blocking transport to and from the city. I don't know how Loretta's is, I imagine those glass-domed pastries were doomed. The Beehive has massively expensive special shock absorbing foundations for just such as day as the earthquake. If you're that way inclined you can read about them here.

There are on-going problems after a natural disaster. Road closures, transport issues, water pollution, isolation, loss of jobs, income, and that's just the physical issues. If you want to help relieve some of the suffering, you can donate to the Red Cross Appeal. Make sure you click on the Wellington option and then you an choose where you want your money to go.

It may take some time, but I'll return to Wellington, not just for Pegasus Books, but for solidarity. Okay well, it's mostly for Pegasus Books, but solidarity sounds braver.

This weekend The Bloke and I are putting together our emergency survival kit and plan. We take running water, electricity, refrigeration, internet, and phone lines for granted. I've never spent much time thinking about doing without them, but there is nothing like a homegrown disaster to bring the possibility into clear focus and motivate one to action. If you don't have an emergency survival kit, no matter where in the world you are, get one. You'll sleep better at night. I know I will.

Here are a few resources that might be helpful.

New Zealand Civil Defense Get Thru programme

What to have in your emergency kit.

How to maintain your emergency kit.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

Ten things I wish I'd known before I had kids.

When I had my first baby, someone wrote on a congratulations card the words “remember tomorrow is another day”. I thought at the time it was a weird thing to say, of course tomorrow is another day,..duh. Little did I know that I would return to those words many times over in my life as a parent in a vain attempt to prevent myself from going completely mad.
Nothing stays the same. That is the blessing and the curse of parenthood (and life).

Each time I've had cause to write a congratulations card to a new parent, I’ve thought about what one thing would I have liked to get a heads up on before having my children?

Over the last few weeks, I've taken an informal poll from the parents I know, work with, and socialize with. Many people had way more than one thing they wish they'd known. Here's compilation of the responses.

Before having kids I wish I'd known that:

I would worry so much...

You will worry like you have never worried before. Maybe this is just me? I do have a tendency to catastrophize, but I have never worried about so much, so consistently, before in my life. It starts well before the birth, worrying if you'll be a good parent, moves on to worrying if your baby will be healthy, and pretty much continues until you die. Talking to my friends, its not just worry about your child. Some people develop a sudden appreciation of their own health and well being. There's nothing like knowing there is a little person totally dependent on you to sharpen up your sense of self-preservation. The level of worry might change, but it never, ever, stops.

I'd feel so guilty...

Nothing sucks the joy out of parenting like guilt. Yet there is so much to feel guilty about. If you work outside the home, if you don't work outside the home, if you sent your precious child to daycare, if you don't send your precious child to daycare. If you take time for yourself. If you leave them with a sitter. If you forget they were invited to a birthday party (who me...never).
Like worry, guilt seems to flourish in parenthood. What's the answer? Well there isn't one. The best solution is to follow your instinct and don't compare yourself or your children to others. You tend to only see what they want to show you anyway. A bit like Facebook, only the best bits make it. Be kind to yourself and forge ahead.

This too shall pass...

Remember tomorrow is another day' means even if your baby has screamed all day, and you feel like you haven’t a hair left on your head, this too shall pass. One day you will look back and barely remember the screaming, neither theirs or yours. You will also forget many of the gloriously funny things your kids do and say. Record them in someway. I had a little notebook I kept in my handbag for just such moments. Reading it back when we're had a hard day and don't like each other much is great for breaking the tension and refocusing everyone to the positive.

     I'd farewell my personal space...

      You will have to give up your personal space for at least 8 years, and some of us are into our 13^th year without any sign of a reprieve, apparently privacy only works in one direction.You will have an audience watching you pee and shower and on one hideously memorable occasion having ‘intimate relations’…that was hard to explain. Losing my personal space was difficult for me to adjust too. I couldn't just go anywhere, and do anything I wanted. I had another person to consider.

    Babies don't read the textbooks...

Before birth I read many books on child rearing. That was a complete waste of time. The only thing baby books ever did was to make me worry more and feel guilty that I wasn't getting it 'right'. However if they work for you, go for it.

     The effect of sleep deprivation...

I read that babies are supposed to sleep about 18 to 20 hours a day. Well not mine. Miss A used up all her sleep quota in the first 6 weeks then woke up and stayed awake for three years (and therefore so did I). Miss B was a little better, or it may have been exhaustion caused by extreme sleep deprivation that lead me to sleep through her cries. I know someone whose baby slept through the night from eight weeks. I'm pretty sure I ordered one of those babies, but that's not what I got. Every child is different. I look back and I wonder how on earth I survived those first few years. but I did. If I'd been more prepared, I may have been a little kinder to myself. I would have packed less into a day and had more naps instead of vacuuming or doing the laundry. On the positive side, I am truly able to appreciate the joy of a full nights sleep.

        I didn't need to sweat the small stuff...

      This is similar to the first point about worry, but a bit more specific. I think back to all the things I worried about when my girls were very small. Would my child ever swallow lumpy food?  Would they ever pee in the toilet? Would they have any friends at school? Would they ever sleep through the night? I can assure you that, unless your baby has some medical condition, time answers all these problems. Both my children swallow lumpy food, pee in the toilet (mostly), sleep through the night (getting them out of bed is now the problem) and have friends. I needn't have worried about this stuff when ahead of me lies drugs, sex, and rock 'n' roll (sobbing and rocking quietly here).

     I would regret that pompous attitude...  

     You know the one. "Oh no my child will never - add in superior attitude as required-". Oh no my child will never watch T.V, back chat, speak only one language, throw tantrums in public, bite anyone. Then there's comments about other's parenting. "Well if they were firm with that child they wouldn't behave like that. Oh really? Well I apologize to everyone I ever thought this about, and to anyone whose parenting skills I thoughtlessly critiqued without first hand, exhausted, worry-filled, guilted-out, experience.

    

     I'd always know what my kids need...

      I had this idea in my head that I would be able to understand my kids. That I'd intuitively know what they needed. This isn't true. It's not just when they're babies and can't talk either. Sometimes I understand them, but frequently I have no idea why that are acting the way they are. What's the motivation? When I think of my girls, I hear John Legend lyrics running through my head - "what's going on in that beautiful mind, I'm on your magical mystery ride". My kids are frequently a total mystery to me. 

     I should start saving now...

      Start saving for their education from birth, or before. A little over a long time is far more affordable than a lot in a short time. Take advantage of compound interest. If they don't need it for their education, they'll certainly need it for a house deposit if they live in Auckland.

     All kids need is love, rules, and consequences.

It starts with that overpriced buggy and if you aren't careful continues until you are on the verge of bankruptcy. Read my lips NONE of it is necessary. What babies need is love, cuddles, and you. What bigger kids need are love, rules and consequences. It is so tempting to give your kids every material thing you think they want. Resist. Give your time and energy instead. 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Some days I wish with all my heart that I could go back and start again, I'm sure I'd do a better job. But you can't reset life. Other days, I think I'm doing a great job. Some moments are filled with laughter, others with tears. Some days the kids love me and I love them. Other days they tell me they hate me, and I'm not feeling so fond of them either.

In the end I know without a doubt that I love my kids and I am doing the best I can. I have never, ever regretted bringing them into this world. I'm pretty sure they love me and wouldn't want to be without me either, although they have a strange way of showing it sometimes.

What's the one thing you wish you had known before you had kids? Let me know in the comments below.

Have a great week.

Grace

p.s. If you like my blog, please subscribe by email. Subscribing means that when I post new content, it will appear in your inbox and you won't have to go looking for it online. I won't email you anything else. I won't share your email with anyone either, that is so annoying!

How to make a feature from an old ladder.

Our Dining area is narrow and long. It's open plan, sharing space with the kitchen. It also opens out onto our deck and garden. It's a light space with white walls and black flooring. I like the space, it's the hub of our home, but I felt it was missing some kind of focal point. When you have a large white and light filled space, you need something to anchor the eye.

Outside in the garden is an old wooden ladder that's beyond weathered! Think old, moss-laden, and perfect for hanging over the table.

"What", said The Bloke. "Hang it where?"

Yep, that's right over the table. He took a little convincing this really was a good idea, but we are both so happy with the finished effect.

Although I admit it did have an inauspicious start.

 

This is the process we used to hang it. First, if like mine, your ladder is too long, decide how long you want it to be and cut it down to size. As metal ran through our ladder, we used a hacksaw to cut it.

                                                  

To hand it from the ceiling, we used small link chain from Mitre 10. They had a good range of chains in different size, colours, and finishes. You can view some of their range here . 

                                                   

After a rough estimate of how low the ladder would hang, we make a loop of chain for each end and sat the ladder into the loops. Be conservative with your estimate it's much harder to try and add links back in, than to remove excess.

                                                      

To centre it over the table, you could either, hang it and move the table to suit. Or move the table to where it needs to be and then measure and centre the ladder over the table. We went with option two, as we needed our table to stay were it was. 

We used a plump bob to mark the spot on the roof through which to place our hook. This is the process we used.

The plumb bob is a piece of heavy metal with a pointed end, attached to a string.

        

We decided how far in from either end of the table we thought the chain should hang. Then we measured the centre of the table at that point, using painters tape to avoid marking the surface. 

       

The Bloke held the string at the roof above the painter's tape, letting the bob hang and slowly moved the string until the bob point touched the centre mark on the table. He was then able to mark that spot on the roof and insert the hook.

     

The plump bob suspended from the ceiling and right over the pencil mark

    

With the plump bob over the correct point mark the ceiling 

We used a plaster board toggle hook to hang the chain from the ceiling. This type of hook is used when you need to hang from the plasterboard rather then screw into the wooden supports in the ceiling. You might do this if the wooden supports are not in the right place for where you wish the ladder to hang.

The toggle hook works like this:

It has three parts, the washer, the toggle, and the hook.

Drill a hole in the ceiling where you marked using the plump bob

put washer over the hook and screw into the toggle. Hold the wings down like this and push into the hole

When it is up inside the ceiling the wings will pop out (like this) and you hear a click. 

Then simply tighten it. The washer camouflages the hole.

We lifted the ladder (already sitting inside the chain loops) and hung the loop over the hooks. I decided to leave some excess so the ladder could be lowered if required. The excess we attached across to the opposite side of the loop.

There you have it. It looks a little bare like this, but as it is Halloween tomorrow, I decided to set the table a day early. The ladder was wound with some cheap vines and a pair of jar lanterns that I received as a gift last Christmas. It would also look great with fairy lights (battery operated). 

If you follow me on Instagram @lifeloveandrenovation, you will have seen a few of my Halloween-scapes already. 

I wanted more of a Day of the Dead feel this year. I would love to hear what you think in the comments section below. 

Have a great week.

    Grace